6 Months of Struggle

I’m the type of person who keeps things to himself. That’s how I’ve always been. When I am struggling with something, I like to battle it internally. It’s even hard for me to talk about it with my family and friends because I don’t like to show any weakness. I accept what’s going on and just flat out figure out a way to deal with it. That’s been my process forever, and it’s worked. I don’t like to seem like I’m complaining, especially on social media, so I do everything I can to post positive things that are going on. I do that because there are so many people who need that positivity in a mostly negative world. But here I am, I guess broken down, and feel the need to open up and blog about this awful journey I’ve been on for the past 6 months. I’m going to treat this like a journal until I am healed, and I’m going to do that so that I can open up about what I’m going through, giving me some sort of peace of mind, but also so that maybe sometime in the future my journey will be able to help someone out who is going through the same thing. Here it goes.

Today, as I’m writing this, my head hurts, my neck has pain all throughout it, I can’t catch my breath, I’m extremely exhausted, and I’m dizzy. These same symptoms and more have been showing up in a vicious cycle for the past 6 months. It all started with a trip to Cancun. Even now, though, I still have no idea if that trip has anything to do with the issues I’m facing, but the timing of it all is suspect. Here’s my theory, along with a few doctors of mine as well. I went to Cancun, picked up parasites that compromised my immune system, and therefore let out something that has laid dormant inside of me for years. That “something” has wreaked havoc on my health. However, I have absolutely no idea what that “something” is. All I know is that I’m beaten down mentally and physically from it. I’ve gone 6 months of feeling extremely sick and am left with a feeling of helplessness because I’ve been to 8 doctors with practically no answers as to why I’m feeling this way. Most of the doctors had absolutely no clue at all what was going on, and my family doctor that I’ve had for years believes I am nuts. Yes, that’s right, the guy that I’ve been going to since I was about 8 years old asked me during our last appointment if I thought I was going crazy, and no, he was not joking. So where has that left me? Doing research, lots and lots of research. If doctors won’t take me seriously, then I have to take matters into my own hands.

I have a lead. All of my symptoms, the reoccurrence of them, point in the direction of Lyme Disease. I’ve decided to seek out the help from a Lyme specialist here locally, and after one appointment of me explaining all of my symptoms, he looked at me and said, “You have Lyme.” That was the clinical diagnosis, and now I’m waiting on hearing back from all the testing I just got done that will verify that diagnosis. You know it’s bad when you look forward to hearing that “yes, the tests show you have Lyme Disease” phrase come out of your doctor’s mouth. It’s grim, absolutely, but when you go through months and months of terrible symptoms, of feeling like crap, of not being able to work out, work, and function normally, without knowing what is even wrong with you, just to know what the problem is creates light at the end of the tunnel. When you know the problem, you can create a solution. Right now I have no solution. The only thing I’ve been doing is preparing myself mentally for whatever treatment I have to go through for whatever problem I have. I’ve accepted that it’s going to be a tough journey, no matter the diagnosis, but I’m more than ready to do what I have to do to get my life back.

Now I want to open up about exactly what I’ve been going through. First, all of these symptoms, as I stated above, keep coming and going in cycles. At first, it was about 3 weeks of feeling like crap, and then one week of feeling pretty decent, but recently, that’s shifted to about 3 weeks of feeling decent and 1 week of feeling like crap. Right now I’m in the “feel like crap” stage. Here is a list of the symptoms that I’ve been having.

  • Breathing issues/shortness of breath/can’t catch a deep breath
  • Neck pain that moves around
  • Stiff neck
  • Pain in the back of my head/headaches/sharp pains through head
  • Extreme exhaustion
  • Stomach pain
  • Nausea
  • Groin pain
  • Brain fog
  • Slurred speech (Yeah, this was scary, but has gotten much better over the past few months)
  • Memory issues
  • Extreme dizziness/wooziness
  • Sleeping problems
  • Waking up totally exhausted
  • Anxiety and panic attacks (Not normal, I have never experienced this before, but has gotten much better over the past 3 months)
  • Uncontrollable mood swings (Again, not normal)
  • Ringing in the ears
  • Sensitivity to sound

It’s frustrating that some of my doctors won’t pay attention to anything I’m telling them. All of these symptoms I just listed are not normal for me. In fact, I’m an extremely healthy individual that works out daily and eats the right kinds of foods. Hell, my life revolves around fitness, as I own my own fitness business, where I help others make a positive change in their health. I know when something is wrong with my body, and there is most definitely something wrong. That’s part of the frustrating thing about it, that I work so hard to take care of myself, but here I am, dealing with a health issue that seems to be completely out of my control. It doesn’t matter how healthy I eat, how much I work out, this health issue still plagues me, and I’m so drained from it. I’ve learned how to deal with it, yes, and do my best not to think about it, but I simply cannot ignore it.

And then there’s the business side of it. I have a team of more than 15,000 people that I lead, and right now I don’t feel like the greatest of leaders. It’s beyond frustrating not being able to hold phone calls like I used to, to create videos like I used to, to hold trainings like I used to. I’m going to be real here, and I feel like I have let my team down. Now they won’t say that I have, but I feel like I have. It’s real tough for me to swallow. I feel guilty for not being able to give them 100% right now. I can’t give my all to them, I just can’t right now, no matter how much I want to and how hard I try. It’s just not possible. For one, I have been spending countless hours trying to figure this out, and two, I just flat out feel sick and tired. Fortunately I have incredible leaders on my team who have been helping out greatly, but the whole reason why I’m doing this business is to pay it forward, to help others achieve what I’ve been able to achieve, and I’m so frustrated that I can’t do that like I want to. But I will be back, I have to be. I truly believe that I have been put in the position I’m in for a reason, and I know I’m not done yet. It may take some time, but I will be the leader I’m supposed to be again.

I’m tired. Seriously, I’m so tired of dealing with this. I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life, but I have never dealt with anything as challenging as this. When you wake up every single morning feeling sick after praying for some miracle that you will wake up feeling normal is hard to deal with. But my life to this point has prepared me to deal with this. I’m a strong individual and have been doing my best to stay strong throughout this entire process. It’s challenging, but I know I can and will get through it. Years of personal development has prepared me for this. The amount of support everyone has shown me has been incredible, and it’s something that I appreciate greatly. I will continue moving forward. I will conquer this!

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